Monday, May 9, 2011


Let's do a little math exercise:

Sinuses full of gunk.
Door with "Keep Door Closed" sign propped open.
Indoor humidity (thanks to open door) leaving everything damp and sticky.
Rude person on the other end of the phone.
Loud male coworker singing Katy Perry's "Firework" at the top of his lungs.
Filthy work gloves on the floor, indicating that a man has been using the LADIES room.
Fruit flies buzzing around...that open door again.
Heavy equipment being used outside that is making the walls shake.
Less than restful sleep last night.
Meltdown imminent. 

I advise everyone to take cover.

Saturday, May 7, 2011

Neglect and Being a Disappointment

 First, apologies for neglecting my blog.  I've been kind of nuts over my latest Asperger's fueled obsession: C25K.  Trying hard to build up my stamina (and pare down my fat ass) with the goal of eventually running a 5K.  It's exciting and terrifying.  I'm using a very cool iPhone/iPod Touch app that guides you though the program, while letting you make playlists of your own music.  The "coach" gives you cues to walk or run (or in my case, walk slightly faster) and lets you know when you are halfway done.  I think I might be better motivated if the cue was something along the lines of "Oh my god, he's behind you!  And he has a machete!  Run!"

I have had a few mornings where I've gotten up at 5AM to walk, which I never expected to like.  I am not a morning person.  Surprise, surprise...I loved it.  There is no one up and about in my neighborhood at that time of day.  It's like I own the morning.  I don't have to look strangers in the eye and give them a polite greeting.  I don't have to feel self-conscious about the way I look.  I don't have to deal with any external stimuli, except for the weather and the bugs.  Starting my day like that helps me find my anchoring point for the day.  I can go to work after that and feel ten times more focused and calm.  Sure, it means going to bed at 9PM, but it's worth it to me.  That time of day is Aspie heaven.

Now to the main event -- being a disappointment.  I have said for years that I am the family screw up.  Though I have been told by my family that this is not the case, I disagree.  My mother and sister are responsible adults who get things done, while I struggle to keep my priorities in order.  Give me a task and I will probably fuck it up in some way, even with written instructions.  While it's a relief to know that my screwed up way of doing things is Asperger's related, it is important to add that I do not think I deserve a free pass.  Asperger's is an explanation, not an excuse.

In Kindergarten, I forged my mother's signature to try to get out of doing assignments.  A little older, I decided I couldn't eat bologna sandwiches anymore.  So I hid them in my closet.

When I took Home Ec, we had an assignment to cook a meal for our families.  Recipe and ingredients in hand, I set about making one of my favorite dishes.  I missed a step and everyone ended up eating bone dry chicken casserole.  It's become a running joke what a horrible child I was, but I'm no better as an adult.

When I was (and I've never told anyone about this) about 20, I got pulled over for a burnt out headlight.  It's a gimme ticket.  You get the light fixed, you go to the courthouse, you show them it's fixed and you pay a $4.00 fine.  What did I do?  I got the headlight fixed, forgot about the courthouse, went on my merry way and got a notice in the mail some months later that my driver's license had been suspended.

I won't go into detail about my latest screw up.  Suffice it to say that I, once again, incorrectly perceived a task as "not a big deal" when, in fact, it is a very big deal.  I had already settled on a date to take care of it, but that is beside the point because it's something I should have done two years ago.  No question of guilt, no excuses, just me screwing up.  Again.

I'm responsible for paying the utility bills where I live and the power has been shut off three times.  Granted, not within the last three years, but it was my responsibility and I failed.

I spent the afternoon yesterday in some pretty intense mental self-flagellation.  I am a disappointment.  Maybe not to anyone else, but to me.  I hate that I do this stuff and I hate that I never seem to learn.  More importantly, I usually make it worse by saying the absolute wrong thing when trying to apologize.  It seems so simple.  Receive a task, do it, move on.  It should be easy.  In a world of amazing technological advancements, most of the things I screw up are completely inexcusable.  All I can do is try harder.  I don't want to be the family screw up anymore.