And Now, A Letter To ME From My Entirely Fictional Alter Ego

I think you have to live life in 4 wheel drive.  Maybe things get rough and you can try to just take an easier path, but that’s just surviving, not living.  You have to go through things to call yourself a survivor.  It’s not easy and it’s not pretty, but you have to do it.  Maybe you’re scared.  Maybe you think you’ll never make it.  Maybe you think you’re a failure.  Maybe you’re wrong.

You’ve got a bully at work?  Deal with it.  No one is going to fix it for you.  Stand up and demand to be treated right.  You want to be walked on?  Fine.  Lie down and take it.  Don’t just bitch about it and expect it to get better.  Take some fucking action.  That bully will just keep on until someone makes him stop.  He thinks being a dick means he’s hard.  Bullshit.  He’s just a limp little man-child who never learned that the world doesn’t revolve around him.

Hate your life?  Well, fucking fix it then.  Take a stand and make some changes.  If doing what you’ve been doing gets you the same pathetic results, DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT.  Everyone has shit to deal with.  You’re not the only one.  No one has a perfect life.  Get over it.  You’re miserable.  You don’t have to stay miserable.

Show the world you’re done being everyone’s bitch.  Tell them you’re not going to take it anymore.  You’re strong, you’re smart and you’re beautiful.  Own it.

Attempting to Self-Advocate

I’ve contacted a disability rights group with the following message:


“I have Asperger's Sydrome and Rheumatoid Arthritis. I have worked the same job for 10 years and new management is taking away the things that allow me to be productive and not excessively stressed. For example, I have always had my own office with a door I can close. The combination of that and foam earplugs allow me to block out noise. The closed door also blocks distractions from my field of vision. My office is being taken away and the compromises offered have not been given. I was offered a headset that was to block out sound, but one that blocks out none was purchased. I have repeatedly expressed my need to stay where I am and am told that I have no choice in the matter. As part of the "transistion" my manager has insisted I start leaving my office door open, which led to a meltdown due to the endless noise. The only things they have followed through with is to get me a chair that is more supportive and to put in a handicap parking sign. Human Resources at my company is supporting the manager.


My manager has also made jokes about Asperger's Syndrome, including pretending to lunge at me because of my personal space issues and to laugh at my sensitivity to light. He has also told me more than once regarding the stress that the noise and chaos of being out of my office causes me that I will "get used to it." I attempted to explain that Autism isn't something you can get used to, but he does not listen. I have never had to worry about seeking advocacy or requesting accommodations before, as every previous manager has worked with me.”

The headset I was promised is not at all what I was told to expect. It only covers one ear and, even wearing a foam earplug in the uncovered ear, blocks out NO noise. I was told to keep my office door open starting this past Monday and it was excruciating. I had a massive meltdown by 1:00 PM the first day. What’s even worse is that the loudest of our employees is on vacation this week. I don’t know what I’ll do when he gets back. I absolutely cannot work like this. It’s not like I’m even asking for new accommodations. I’m simply asking them not to take away the ones I’ve had for ten years!

Ninja Gets Bullied

Bullying has been a hot topic lately, as the consequences of leaving it unchecked come to light more and more. It’s a subject that I have a personal interest in, as a victim of bullying when I was younger. The worst of it came from an older girl on the school bus when I was in junior high. At the urging of Dr. L, I located and reached out to her online. I made my peace and forgave her. We’ve conversed some and she is, from what I’ve seen, very different from the girl I remember. She’s kind and considerate. I’m grateful for the chance to move on.


Then came the new that Ninja (my nephew and fellow Aspie) was being bullied. By an older girl. On the school bus. In junior high. Here we go again.

Understand that this is not the type of boy to hit back and, even if he was, he’s not going to hit a girl. Not even a girl who is older than him and is verbally and physically attacking him. I can’t even put into words how angry I am. The whole family is furious, but I’m taking this personally. I hate that this poor kid, who is so much like me, is going through the same thing I went through at his age.

I love the “It gets better” project and I believe it can get better, but only if something is done about it. If parents and teachers and EVERYONE ELSE can’t step up and tell kids that bullying is not acceptable, things will never change. Not only do we need to pass that message on, but we also need to make sure everyone understands what bullying is.

You don’t have to be physically hurt to be bullied. You don’t have to be slandered online. A bully can be anyone…a friend, a relative, a teacher. Just because someone follows up a cruel joke at your expense with, “I’m only kidding. You’re too sensitive.” doesn't mean what they did wasn’t bullying. Sure, we can all pick on each other from time to time but, when it hurts, it’s bullying.

It has to stop now. Enough is enough. It won’t get better on its own. We have to make it better.

On Awareness and the Bliss of Ignorance

I have never been popular. When I was younger, I thought it was my religion, hobbies and intelligence people disliked. Now, as an adult, I recognize that I was an obnoxious little zealot, a weirdo and an insufferable know-it-all. Am I still unpopular? Yes. Am I still obnoxious, weird and pedantic? Sadly, yes. But now I understand why.

I am no longer religious, but growing up I was a self-righteous Bible thumper intent on “saving” everyone. Looking back, I see how I sought to find my place in the church. I was lonely and not well-liked, so I thought church was a safe haven. Surely the bullying I experienced at school would never happen with “Christians”. Poor little me. If only I could go back and warn my younger self that the bullying would be WORSE in church, I could have saved myself a lot of abuse.

Regardless of the bullying, I did my best to fit in and be the best little soldier for God I could be. But fitting in was not something I knew how to do. I tried to conform and be what I thought was expected of me. I preached at my schoolmates about Heaven and Hell and Salvation and Sin and all the other things they NEEDED to know. When reality set in and I saw the hypocrisy and hate flowing out of the church, I was repelled by it. When logic took over and I saw the flaws in “the word”, I saw the flaws in myself. To be honest, the only thing keeping me from fully embracing Atheism is a heavy dose of fundamentalist fear, hammered into my brain at an early age by Sunday school teachers and camp counselors.

As for my nit-picking, know-it-all ways, I apologize. I don’t mean to be rude. I like facts and I like them to be correct. When I hear an incorrect fact, it is nearly impossible for me to keep my mouth shut. I’m better about it than I used to be. There was a time when you could have created a drinking game based on the frequency with which I started sentences with “actually”.

These days I try to refrain. Sometimes I slip and blurt out a correction. Sometimes I feel it would be wrong of me not to. Really, if you’re walking around saying that the sky is green, I’d rather you be annoyed when I tell you in private as politely as I can (and please understand that politeness is challenging for Aspies) that it is blue, rather than wait for you to tell the wrong person about the green sky and have them embarrass you publicly.

I’m still a weirdo. I’m okay with it. I’ve embraced my weirdness. I watch cartoons. I have unusual taste in music. I don’t care about fashion. I enjoy spending time alone. I haven’t had a date in…well…let’s just say it’s been a while. I don’t make friends easily. I don’t know how to act with new people. I have a hard time dealing with social situations. I never understood these things when I was younger. I was different and I didn’t know why. Now I do. I’m Autistic. I’m an Aspie. I’m me. Ignorance is not so blissful, after all.

Pain and Unwinnable Battles

There are so many kinds of pain.  There’s physical pain, emotional pain, pain that comes from love and loss and dreams that were never meant to be.  There are broken bones, broken hearts, broken promises…there’s pain you think you’ll never forget and pain that never goes away and pain that you wonder where it came from in the first place.

The bully who tormented me in Junior high.  The busted knee from slipping on a wet bridge.  The stupid break-up that seemed like the world was ending.  The time I face-planted into a marble windowsill.  The day I realized the man I loved would never love me.  The pain of an auto-immune disease that may eventually cripple me and will almost definitely kill me by age 60.  The days I found out my friends had died.  The broken finger and broken toes I got being stupid.  The friendship destroyed over rumors.

And now there’s this new pain.  Not new, exactly.  It’s always been there.  That feeling, knowing I’ll never be the person I dreamed of becoming.  That I’ll never fit in.  That parties and crowds will always make me miserable.  That I’m still single because I don’t know how to act with people.  That I’m forgettable because I hide in the shadows.

It’s not really new.  It just has a name.  I thought being able to call it what it is would make things better.  In some ways it has.  Many people are more gentle with me and understanding about my social fears.  I can’t say enough how grateful I am for them.  Some just ignore it and continue giving me a hard time about not being social enough.  I can handle that.  What I can’t take is being called a liar.

Once upon a time, I told my father I thought I had an eating disorder.  He proceeded to tell me I was making it all up to add drama to my life.  Years later, diagnosis in hand, I still feel those words like a punch in the gut.  Here I am again, Asperger’s diagnosis in hand, and I’m still being called a liar.  Not by my father this time…we don’t talk anymore, thank God.  This time it’s a co-worker.  I shouldn't care, but I do.

I know I don’t fit in at work.  I don’t fit in anywhere.  I expect to be on the edge of things and it’s worse at work because I’m the only woman in an industry that seems to live by the “You don’t have a penis so you must be an idiot” philosophy.  I take a lot of disrespect.  I suck it up and deal with it.

So here I go again, pounding my head against the wall.  One of the only people I thought I could talk to made me feel so small.  It came out of left field and it hurt.  He made a crack about how I don’t come out of my office.  I laughed it off.  No, I don’t come out of my office.  I’ve explained to him before why I stay in there and I thought he understood.  I was wrong.

He wouldn‘t even let me defend myself.  Every time I opened my mouth to speak, he cut me off.  “Why are you always in there with your door closed?” turned into, “You’re stuck up,” and “You’re just making excuses,” and “You could be social if you really wanted to.”  I gave up and left.  I don’t have it in me to keep fighting battles I can’t win.