Welp, it's been over two years since my last post and I don't even know where to begin explaining all that's happened in that time. I think I'll break it into a few parts so you're not reading a two year saga all at once. I'm considerate like that.
When I last checked in, I was trying to get my asinine boss to recognize my right to reasonable accommodation. I was an absolute wreck, eventually finding myself on anti-anxiety meds and seeing a new shrink to deal with the chaos. It was in his office that I first heard the word bipolar...in reference to myself, anyway. I didn't want to hear it. I had too many things to worry about without dealing with a new diagnosis.
In May of 2012, I began having trouble breathing and landed in the hospital with a pulmonary embolism. I missed a non-mandatory meeting while in the emergency room and my aforementioned asinine boss was PISSED. Did I mention the meeting was not mandatory? Ah, well...that was the beginning of the end.
Generally, when one has a pulmonary embolism, that person takes three months off work to recover. I took three weeks and you'd have thought I had told my boss to go eff himself while I took a fun vacation. Nevertheless, I worked my ass off when I got back to work, just like always. About a month after returning to work, I was called into the conference room with my boss, his boss and an representative from Human Resources. The a-hole had finally found a way to legally get rid of me.
I suppose I could have tried to sue, but Florida is a "right to work" state and winning would have been nearly impossible. I accepted my severance and packed up my things. I said goodbye to people I had worked with for eleven years, while a man who treated me worse than any employer I've ever had got to feel like he won. I, on the other hand, felt like a loser.
Well, that covers the first have of 2012. I'll write up the second half soon.
Showing posts with label employment. Show all posts
Showing posts with label employment. Show all posts
Thursday, February 13, 2014
Monday, January 9, 2012
The Letter
Last week, I submitted my request for accommodation and a letter from my therapist. So far, I haven't gotten a response. I sent everything to corporate in addition to giving it to my manager. I thought I'd post my letter here for posterity. I'm proud of what I've written and that I chose to stand up for myself.
To whom it may concern:
I am writing this letter to request a job accommodation, under provisions established by the Americans with Disabilities Act of 1990. I have tried to explain my disability, but I still feel that I am not being taken seriously, possibly because I have such difficulty expressing myself in conversation and my anxiety makes me timid. This is not about resisting change or my “comfort zone”. It is entirely about me being able to continue to do the excellent job I do for "----" and for my customers that I have done for so long. My Rheumatoid Arthritis may one day go into remission, but Autism Spectrum Disorders, such as Asperger’s Syndrome, don’t go away. Quiet and solitude are not “preferences” for me. They are necessities as much as a wheelchair is to a person who cannot walk. I can’t “get used” to living without something that is necessary for me to function, particularly when attempting to do so causes me so much anxiety.
I have been with "----" since May of 2001, first as a temp and later as a full time employee. My official hire date was January 27, 2003, at which time I was told that I would be listed as “inside sales” under payroll because there was “no other job code available”. Over the last ten years, my job has involved 3rd party rentals of portalets and scaffolding, but it is primarily research, reporting and billing. I bill (customer) an average of $116,637.61 a week, deal directly with the (customer's) finance department regarding the creation of detailed reports and changes to billing codes. I also follow up with accounts receivable and resubmit unpaid invoice lines on a 90 day cycle. Throughout the week, I receive many calls and emails from customers requesting reports related to billing, charge codes, equipment types, etc. In August and September, much of my time is spent on (customer’s) fiscal year end. This is an enormous task, for which I spend the entire year preparing. My job requires a great deal of focus and concentration. Because I have always had my own office here, with a door I can close, that has never been a problem.
My health has been in decline for the last several years, in which time I have struggled with Rheumatoid Arthritis, Aortic Valve Insufficiency, Depression, Asperger’s Syndrome and Generalized Anxiety Disorder (for which I am in treatment) caused primarily by the sensory sensitivities related to AS. Each of these brings its own unique challenges, often compounded by the medications I am required to take as part of my treatment. I have never made a formal request for special accommodation because I have previously been allowed the space and quiet I need to function.
Rheumatoid Arthritis: A type of chronic arthritis that typically occurs in joints on both sides of the body (such as hands, wrists, or knees). This symmetry helps distinguish rheumatoid arthritis from other types of arthritis. In addition to affecting the joints, rheumatoid arthritis may also affect the skin, eyes, lungs, heart, blood, and nerves.
Aortic Valve Insufficiency: Also known as Aortic Valve Regurgitation; a problem with the aortic valve in which the aortic valve does not close as it should. With each heartbeat, some of the blood leaks back (regurgitates) through the aortic valve into the left ventricle. The body does not get enough blood, so the heart has to work harder to make up for it.
Anxiety Disorder: Anxiety Disorders affect about 40 million American adults age 18 years and older (about 18%) in a given year, causing them to be filled with fearfulness and uncertainty. Unlike the relatively mild, brief anxiety caused by a stressful event (such as speaking in public or a first date), anxiety disorders last at least 6 months and can get worse if they are not treated. Anxiety disorders commonly occur along with other mental or physical illnesses.
Depression: According to the DSM-IV, a manual used to diagnose mental disorders, depression occurs when you have at least five of the following nine symptoms at the same time:
• A depressed mood during most of the day, particularly in the morning
• Fatigue or loss of energy almost every day
• Feelings of worthlessness or guilt almost every day
• Impaired concentration, indecisiveness
• Insomnia or hypersomnia (excessive sleeping) almost every day
• Markedly diminished interest or pleasure in almost all activities nearly every day
• Recurring thoughts of death or suicide (not just fearing death)
• A sense of restlessness -- known as psychomotor agitation -- or being slowed down -- retardation
• Significant weight loss or gain (a change of more than 5% of body weight in a month)
Asperger’s Syndrome: An Autism spectrum disorder; a neurological variation that occurs in about 1 in 150 people and is classified as a developmental disability. Symptoms include,
• Different sensory experiences. For example, heightened sensitivity to light, difficulty interpreting internal physical sensations, hearing loud sounds as soft and soft sounds as loud, or synesthesia.
• Non-standard ways of learning and approaching problem solving. For example, learning "difficult" tasks (e.g. calculus) before "simple" tasks (e.g. addition), difficulty with "executive functions," or being simultaneously gifted at tasks requiring fluid intelligence and intellectually disabled at tasks requiring verbal skills.
• Deeply focused thinking and passionate interests in specific subjects. "Narrow but deep," these "special interests" could be anything from mathematics to ballet, from doorknobs to physics, and from politics to bits of shiny paper.
• Atypical, sometimes repetitive, movement. This includes "stereotyped" and "self-stimulatory" behavior such as rocking or flapping, and also the difficulties with motor skills and motor planning associated with apraxia or dyspraxia.
• Need for consistency, routine, and order. For example, holidays may be experienced more with anxiety than pleasure, as they mean time off from school and the disruption of the usual order of things. People on the autistic spectrum may take great pleasure in organizing and arranging items.
• Difficulties in understanding and expressing language as used in typical communication, both verbal and non-verbal. This may manifest similarly to semantic-pragmatic language disorder. It's often because a young child does not seem to be developing language that a parent first seeks to have a child evaluated. As adults, people with an autism spectrum diagnosis often continue to struggle to use language to explain their emotions and internal state, and to articulate concepts (which is not to say they do not experience and understand these).
• Difficulties in understanding and expressing typical social interaction. For example, preferring parallel interaction, having delayed responses to social stimulus, or behaving in an "inappropriate" manner to the norms of a given social context (for example, not saying "hi" immediately after another person says "hi").
In some cases, ADHD medication may help patients with AS but, because of my Aortic Valve defect, I am unable to take those types of medications. My medications for RA cause my immune system to work less effectively, putting me at great risk for serious and sometimes life-threatening infections. I often must walk with the help of a cane, due to inflammation in my knees, hips, ankles and feet. My current office space is ideal, as I am close to the restroom and kitchen and away from distractions. I understand that it is the current management’s intent to move me from my office into the front area of the store. I was willing to compromise on a three walled cubicle and a binaural telephone headset that is rated to block out sound. When the headset that arrived only covered one ear, I had hoped that wearing an earplug in the other would make it workable. It did not. The headphone blocks NO noise from my ear and the combination of that AND having my door open makes the noise level and distractions unbearable. The one good thing I’ve found about the headset is that it aggravates my arthritis less when I have to answer the phone. I am grateful for this, as well as finally having a handicap parking space and a chair that does not exacerbate my joint pain, though I expressed that these items were not necessary, while accommodations for AS are. Without them, the stress compounds my anxiety and leaves my work and personal life severely limited. Both my depression and anxiety were showing improvement until the recent changes to my work accommodations. They have now both taken a sharp turn for the worse.
My situation can be accommodated with relative ease and little expense, meeting the definition of reasonable accommodation as required by law, without causing undue hardship, as I am already positioned in a small office with a closeable door and would only need to stay where I am and be allowed to keep the door closed as I have done before. Additionally, the "----" Employee Handbook lists “restructuring job duties” as a reasonable accommodation. As the job I actually do has never been that of an inside salesperson, the only restructuring necessary would be to allow me to continue to do the job I have done for so long in the manner that has always worked. Additionally, I have also offered to telecommute. Information about this from the U.S. Equal Employment Opportunity Commission is attached as are copies of the Accommodation and Compliance Series’ for Arthritis and Asperger’s Syndrome provided by the U.S. Department of Labor.
I am aware that I am often seen as unfriendly, though this is not the case. I have a great deal of fondness and respect for my co-workers. Sensitivity training for all staff would also be helpful, as it seems there is little to no understanding of my conditions. There have, in fact, been multiple situations in which jokes about my sensitivity to light, sound and need for personal space have been made. I am not without a sense of humor, but harassing a disabled employee is unacceptable.
I am and always have been a dedicated, hard-working member of the "----" team. I would like to resolve my situation and return to my previous performance level as soon as possible.
To whom it may concern:
I am writing this letter to request a job accommodation, under provisions established by the Americans with Disabilities Act of 1990. I have tried to explain my disability, but I still feel that I am not being taken seriously, possibly because I have such difficulty expressing myself in conversation and my anxiety makes me timid. This is not about resisting change or my “comfort zone”. It is entirely about me being able to continue to do the excellent job I do for "----" and for my customers that I have done for so long. My Rheumatoid Arthritis may one day go into remission, but Autism Spectrum Disorders, such as Asperger’s Syndrome, don’t go away. Quiet and solitude are not “preferences” for me. They are necessities as much as a wheelchair is to a person who cannot walk. I can’t “get used” to living without something that is necessary for me to function, particularly when attempting to do so causes me so much anxiety.
I have been with "----" since May of 2001, first as a temp and later as a full time employee. My official hire date was January 27, 2003, at which time I was told that I would be listed as “inside sales” under payroll because there was “no other job code available”. Over the last ten years, my job has involved 3rd party rentals of portalets and scaffolding, but it is primarily research, reporting and billing. I bill (customer) an average of $116,637.61 a week, deal directly with the (customer's) finance department regarding the creation of detailed reports and changes to billing codes. I also follow up with accounts receivable and resubmit unpaid invoice lines on a 90 day cycle. Throughout the week, I receive many calls and emails from customers requesting reports related to billing, charge codes, equipment types, etc. In August and September, much of my time is spent on (customer’s) fiscal year end. This is an enormous task, for which I spend the entire year preparing. My job requires a great deal of focus and concentration. Because I have always had my own office here, with a door I can close, that has never been a problem.
My health has been in decline for the last several years, in which time I have struggled with Rheumatoid Arthritis, Aortic Valve Insufficiency, Depression, Asperger’s Syndrome and Generalized Anxiety Disorder (for which I am in treatment) caused primarily by the sensory sensitivities related to AS. Each of these brings its own unique challenges, often compounded by the medications I am required to take as part of my treatment. I have never made a formal request for special accommodation because I have previously been allowed the space and quiet I need to function.
Rheumatoid Arthritis: A type of chronic arthritis that typically occurs in joints on both sides of the body (such as hands, wrists, or knees). This symmetry helps distinguish rheumatoid arthritis from other types of arthritis. In addition to affecting the joints, rheumatoid arthritis may also affect the skin, eyes, lungs, heart, blood, and nerves.
Aortic Valve Insufficiency: Also known as Aortic Valve Regurgitation; a problem with the aortic valve in which the aortic valve does not close as it should. With each heartbeat, some of the blood leaks back (regurgitates) through the aortic valve into the left ventricle. The body does not get enough blood, so the heart has to work harder to make up for it.
Anxiety Disorder: Anxiety Disorders affect about 40 million American adults age 18 years and older (about 18%) in a given year, causing them to be filled with fearfulness and uncertainty. Unlike the relatively mild, brief anxiety caused by a stressful event (such as speaking in public or a first date), anxiety disorders last at least 6 months and can get worse if they are not treated. Anxiety disorders commonly occur along with other mental or physical illnesses.
Depression: According to the DSM-IV, a manual used to diagnose mental disorders, depression occurs when you have at least five of the following nine symptoms at the same time:
• A depressed mood during most of the day, particularly in the morning
• Fatigue or loss of energy almost every day
• Feelings of worthlessness or guilt almost every day
• Impaired concentration, indecisiveness
• Insomnia or hypersomnia (excessive sleeping) almost every day
• Markedly diminished interest or pleasure in almost all activities nearly every day
• Recurring thoughts of death or suicide (not just fearing death)
• A sense of restlessness -- known as psychomotor agitation -- or being slowed down -- retardation
• Significant weight loss or gain (a change of more than 5% of body weight in a month)
Asperger’s Syndrome: An Autism spectrum disorder; a neurological variation that occurs in about 1 in 150 people and is classified as a developmental disability. Symptoms include,
• Different sensory experiences. For example, heightened sensitivity to light, difficulty interpreting internal physical sensations, hearing loud sounds as soft and soft sounds as loud, or synesthesia.
• Non-standard ways of learning and approaching problem solving. For example, learning "difficult" tasks (e.g. calculus) before "simple" tasks (e.g. addition), difficulty with "executive functions," or being simultaneously gifted at tasks requiring fluid intelligence and intellectually disabled at tasks requiring verbal skills.
• Deeply focused thinking and passionate interests in specific subjects. "Narrow but deep," these "special interests" could be anything from mathematics to ballet, from doorknobs to physics, and from politics to bits of shiny paper.
• Atypical, sometimes repetitive, movement. This includes "stereotyped" and "self-stimulatory" behavior such as rocking or flapping, and also the difficulties with motor skills and motor planning associated with apraxia or dyspraxia.
• Need for consistency, routine, and order. For example, holidays may be experienced more with anxiety than pleasure, as they mean time off from school and the disruption of the usual order of things. People on the autistic spectrum may take great pleasure in organizing and arranging items.
• Difficulties in understanding and expressing language as used in typical communication, both verbal and non-verbal. This may manifest similarly to semantic-pragmatic language disorder. It's often because a young child does not seem to be developing language that a parent first seeks to have a child evaluated. As adults, people with an autism spectrum diagnosis often continue to struggle to use language to explain their emotions and internal state, and to articulate concepts (which is not to say they do not experience and understand these).
• Difficulties in understanding and expressing typical social interaction. For example, preferring parallel interaction, having delayed responses to social stimulus, or behaving in an "inappropriate" manner to the norms of a given social context (for example, not saying "hi" immediately after another person says "hi").
In some cases, ADHD medication may help patients with AS but, because of my Aortic Valve defect, I am unable to take those types of medications. My medications for RA cause my immune system to work less effectively, putting me at great risk for serious and sometimes life-threatening infections. I often must walk with the help of a cane, due to inflammation in my knees, hips, ankles and feet. My current office space is ideal, as I am close to the restroom and kitchen and away from distractions. I understand that it is the current management’s intent to move me from my office into the front area of the store. I was willing to compromise on a three walled cubicle and a binaural telephone headset that is rated to block out sound. When the headset that arrived only covered one ear, I had hoped that wearing an earplug in the other would make it workable. It did not. The headphone blocks NO noise from my ear and the combination of that AND having my door open makes the noise level and distractions unbearable. The one good thing I’ve found about the headset is that it aggravates my arthritis less when I have to answer the phone. I am grateful for this, as well as finally having a handicap parking space and a chair that does not exacerbate my joint pain, though I expressed that these items were not necessary, while accommodations for AS are. Without them, the stress compounds my anxiety and leaves my work and personal life severely limited. Both my depression and anxiety were showing improvement until the recent changes to my work accommodations. They have now both taken a sharp turn for the worse.
My situation can be accommodated with relative ease and little expense, meeting the definition of reasonable accommodation as required by law, without causing undue hardship, as I am already positioned in a small office with a closeable door and would only need to stay where I am and be allowed to keep the door closed as I have done before. Additionally, the "----" Employee Handbook lists “restructuring job duties” as a reasonable accommodation. As the job I actually do has never been that of an inside salesperson, the only restructuring necessary would be to allow me to continue to do the job I have done for so long in the manner that has always worked. Additionally, I have also offered to telecommute. Information about this from the U.S. Equal Employment Opportunity Commission is attached as are copies of the Accommodation and Compliance Series’ for Arthritis and Asperger’s Syndrome provided by the U.S. Department of Labor.
I am aware that I am often seen as unfriendly, though this is not the case. I have a great deal of fondness and respect for my co-workers. Sensitivity training for all staff would also be helpful, as it seems there is little to no understanding of my conditions. There have, in fact, been multiple situations in which jokes about my sensitivity to light, sound and need for personal space have been made. I am not without a sense of humor, but harassing a disabled employee is unacceptable.
I am and always have been a dedicated, hard-working member of the "----" team. I would like to resolve my situation and return to my previous performance level as soon as possible.
Saturday, January 7, 2012
And Now, A Letter To ME From My Entirely Fictional Alter Ego
I think you have to live life in 4 wheel drive. Maybe things get rough and you can try to just take an easier path, but that’s just surviving, not living. You have to go through things to call yourself a survivor. It’s not easy and it’s not pretty, but you have to do it. Maybe you’re scared. Maybe you think you’ll never make it. Maybe you think you’re a failure. Maybe you’re wrong.
You’ve got a bully at work? Deal with it. No one is going to fix it for you. Stand up and demand to be treated right. You want to be walked on? Fine. Lie down and take it. Don’t just bitch about it and expect it to get better. Take some fucking action. That bully will just keep on until someone makes him stop. He thinks being a dick means he’s hard. Bullshit. He’s just a limp little man-child who never learned that the world doesn’t revolve around him.
Hate your life? Well, fucking fix it then. Take a stand and make some changes. If doing what you’ve been doing gets you the same pathetic results, DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT. Everyone has shit to deal with. You’re not the only one. No one has a perfect life. Get over it. You’re miserable. You don’t have to stay miserable.
Show the world you’re done being everyone’s bitch. Tell them you’re not going to take it anymore. You’re strong, you’re smart and you’re beautiful. Own it.
Saturday, December 31, 2011
Aspie New Year 2012
January: I started the new year with one of my little Chickens (CT) at Sea World. It was my first big post diagnosis outing and quite a success. I learned a lot from it (like where the restaurant we always visit is) and I think CT did, too. Throughout the last year, she’s been like my shield. If we go somewhere crowded, she guides me through where she can and helps me escape it when it gets to be too much.
February: After about six weeks of one epic realization after another, I hit a bit of a wall. The awareness of just how affected I was by external stimuli had set in and I was in a near constant state of sensory overload. Why, at the age of 34, was I getting worse? Because I was burned out. Read this wonderful piece from Rachel Cohen-Rottenberg for a stellar description of what Autistic burnout is like.
http://www.journeyswithautism.com/2009/06/29/why-i-cant-do-what-i-used-to-do/
March: The great earplug experiment began and changed my life. There are few things I enjoy more than the moment when my foam earplugs fully expand and block out so much of the noise that sets me on edge.
April: It seemed like therapy was finally getting me some results. I learned new techniques for coping and my anxiety was enormously reduced. I also made up my mind to get off my fat ass and start getting some serious exercise.
May: I got to play with dolphins on CT’s birthday. Yes, they are the assholes of the animal kingdom, but they’re so entertaining.
June: My morning walks were regular and exciting. I was proud of myself for sticking with something as challenging for me as walking every day.
July: POTTER!!! Yes, I’m a nerd. So what? My friends and I put on silly costumes and attended the midnight show of the final Harry Potter movie. As luck would have it, since we went to the Universal Citywalk theater, we also got to spend from 3 AM to 5 AM in The Wizarding World of Harry Potter. It was crowded, it was chaotic and it was exhausting. I spent most of it sitting outside the owlery and people watching so I could stay out of the crowds. Unfortunately, I also got violently ill on the way home.
August: I had been feeling run down after the Potter experience and had stopped my morning walks. Then came the pain. My Rheumatoid Arthritis flared up after two years of being held at bay with vitamins. Back on all my many medications I went.
September: And then I was 35. I refuse to say more on the subject.
October: It was an eventful month. Steve Jobs died, I got some much needed closure, Ninja was faced with school bullies and I went to a wedding. On purpose. And I enjoyed myself! Yay me! Bigger yay for the Chicks for helping me through it and the happy couple who made sure we were at a table of awesome people.
November: On the roller coaster that this year has been, November was a Double Down Drop. (See http://themeparks.about.com/cs/coasterbooks/a/coasterspeak.htm for a definition.) First I met my new boss and he made a joke about my AS that made me very uncomfortable. Then he told me he was taking my office away. This was devastating news.
December: The fight for my ADA rights continues and I will have a letter for my boss next week. Christmas was rough because of the stress and anxiety at work. All I wanted was to stay home and sleep. I haven’t been this depressed in a very long time.
2012?
Well, who the hell knows? I want to have a kick ass year. I want to be at this point next year (provided the Mayans were wrong) raving about how EPIC 2012 was and how great my life is. Going into 2011, my theme song was Uncharted by Sara Bareilles, mainly because of the line “Each day I’m counting up the minutes ‘til I get alone, cause I can’t stay in the middle of it all.” For 2012, I’ve chosen The Good Life by Weezer. Aside from being from a male point-of-view, it sums up what I’ve been through and what I want for the new year very well.
Life is short, kids. We only get so much time, so why waste it being miserable? 2012 is my year to find my happy and fucking OWN it. You get out there and own yours, too.
February: After about six weeks of one epic realization after another, I hit a bit of a wall. The awareness of just how affected I was by external stimuli had set in and I was in a near constant state of sensory overload. Why, at the age of 34, was I getting worse? Because I was burned out. Read this wonderful piece from Rachel Cohen-Rottenberg for a stellar description of what Autistic burnout is like.
http://www.journeyswithautism.com/2009/06/29/why-i-cant-do-what-i-used-to-do/
March: The great earplug experiment began and changed my life. There are few things I enjoy more than the moment when my foam earplugs fully expand and block out so much of the noise that sets me on edge.
April: It seemed like therapy was finally getting me some results. I learned new techniques for coping and my anxiety was enormously reduced. I also made up my mind to get off my fat ass and start getting some serious exercise.
May: I got to play with dolphins on CT’s birthday. Yes, they are the assholes of the animal kingdom, but they’re so entertaining.
June: My morning walks were regular and exciting. I was proud of myself for sticking with something as challenging for me as walking every day.
July: POTTER!!! Yes, I’m a nerd. So what? My friends and I put on silly costumes and attended the midnight show of the final Harry Potter movie. As luck would have it, since we went to the Universal Citywalk theater, we also got to spend from 3 AM to 5 AM in The Wizarding World of Harry Potter. It was crowded, it was chaotic and it was exhausting. I spent most of it sitting outside the owlery and people watching so I could stay out of the crowds. Unfortunately, I also got violently ill on the way home.
August: I had been feeling run down after the Potter experience and had stopped my morning walks. Then came the pain. My Rheumatoid Arthritis flared up after two years of being held at bay with vitamins. Back on all my many medications I went.
September: And then I was 35. I refuse to say more on the subject.
October: It was an eventful month. Steve Jobs died, I got some much needed closure, Ninja was faced with school bullies and I went to a wedding. On purpose. And I enjoyed myself! Yay me! Bigger yay for the Chicks for helping me through it and the happy couple who made sure we were at a table of awesome people.
November: On the roller coaster that this year has been, November was a Double Down Drop. (See http://themeparks.about.com/cs/coasterbooks/a/coasterspeak.htm for a definition.) First I met my new boss and he made a joke about my AS that made me very uncomfortable. Then he told me he was taking my office away. This was devastating news.
December: The fight for my ADA rights continues and I will have a letter for my boss next week. Christmas was rough because of the stress and anxiety at work. All I wanted was to stay home and sleep. I haven’t been this depressed in a very long time.
2012?
Well, who the hell knows? I want to have a kick ass year. I want to be at this point next year (provided the Mayans were wrong) raving about how EPIC 2012 was and how great my life is. Going into 2011, my theme song was Uncharted by Sara Bareilles, mainly because of the line “Each day I’m counting up the minutes ‘til I get alone, cause I can’t stay in the middle of it all.” For 2012, I’ve chosen The Good Life by Weezer. Aside from being from a male point-of-view, it sums up what I’ve been through and what I want for the new year very well.
When I look in the mirror, I can't believe what I see
Tell me, who's that funky dude, staring back at me?
Broken, beaten down can't even get around
Without an old-man cane, I fall and hit the ground
Shivering in the cold, I'm bitter and alone
Excuse the bitchin, I shouldn't complain
I should have no feeling, 'cause feeling is pain
As everything I need, is denied me
And everything I want, is taken away from me
But who do I got to blame? Nobody but me
…And I don't wanna be an old man anymore
It's been a year or two since I was out on the floor
Shakin' booty, makin' sweet love all the night
It's time I got back to the Good Life
It's time I got back, it's time I got back
And I don't even know how I got off the track
I wanna go back…Yeah!
Life is short, kids. We only get so much time, so why waste it being miserable? 2012 is my year to find my happy and fucking OWN it. You get out there and own yours, too.
Saturday, December 24, 2011
Letter to Santa
Dear Santa (Because it worked for Amy Pond),
It’s Christmas tomorrow and I’m miserable. This has been one of the worst weeks I’ve ever had at work and I’m miserable. I don’t want presents from you. I just things to go back to the way they were. I want to go back to not hating my job and being able to go home and feel like I’m a person, rather than a collection of illnesses and exhaustion.
Life is short and mine will likely be even shorter. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life feeling like I belong on The Island of Misfit Toys like the train with square wheels – completely unequipped to function in the world.
Santa, I’m not asking for a hot boyfriend or to magically lose weight or to win the lottery or even for my RA to go into remission. All I’m asking is for you to make things suck less. Not even, “I want to be happy.”…just, “I want to be less miserable.” I don’t think that’s asking a lot. And don’t tell me this is supposed to build character. I have more than enough of that, thanks.
I have had two previous Christmases where I was this low. One involved work and the other involved depression. This time it’s both. I’m going to hang my stocking and hope you put a solution in it. Don’t be a dick, Santa. I’m counting on you.
It’s Christmas tomorrow and I’m miserable. This has been one of the worst weeks I’ve ever had at work and I’m miserable. I don’t want presents from you. I just things to go back to the way they were. I want to go back to not hating my job and being able to go home and feel like I’m a person, rather than a collection of illnesses and exhaustion.
Life is short and mine will likely be even shorter. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life feeling like I belong on The Island of Misfit Toys like the train with square wheels – completely unequipped to function in the world.
Santa, I’m not asking for a hot boyfriend or to magically lose weight or to win the lottery or even for my RA to go into remission. All I’m asking is for you to make things suck less. Not even, “I want to be happy.”…just, “I want to be less miserable.” I don’t think that’s asking a lot. And don’t tell me this is supposed to build character. I have more than enough of that, thanks.
I have had two previous Christmases where I was this low. One involved work and the other involved depression. This time it’s both. I’m going to hang my stocking and hope you put a solution in it. Don’t be a dick, Santa. I’m counting on you.
Friday, December 23, 2011
Time For a Rant
I realize this is getting repetitive and is probably boring the fuck out of you, but I’m going through some shit and I have no idea how else to cope. Disability Rights Florida responded to my query with several other places to contact for help. Hopefully one of them will pan out, because I can’t take much more of this. I’m literally pulling my hair out.
All I want is for things to go back to how they were. With the HP rep on my manager’s side, I feel so powerless. It’s like they don’t believe AS is a legit disability and nothing anyone says will change their minds. I had a nightmare that I got fired because I had a meltdown caused by the conditions in which I’m being forced to work. The last time I felt this miserable and hopeless was two years ago, right before I started therapy.
Christmas is just a few days away and I just want it to pass me by. Christmas music makes me sad and all the gaudy decorations in shopping centers seem too bright and busy. I just want the season to be over. Apologies for being such a downer…I’m just feeling very angry and depressed and stuck.
All I want is for things to go back to how they were. With the HP rep on my manager’s side, I feel so powerless. It’s like they don’t believe AS is a legit disability and nothing anyone says will change their minds. I had a nightmare that I got fired because I had a meltdown caused by the conditions in which I’m being forced to work. The last time I felt this miserable and hopeless was two years ago, right before I started therapy.
Christmas is just a few days away and I just want it to pass me by. Christmas music makes me sad and all the gaudy decorations in shopping centers seem too bright and busy. I just want the season to be over. Apologies for being such a downer…I’m just feeling very angry and depressed and stuck.
Thursday, December 22, 2011
Attempting to Self-Advocate
I’ve contacted a disability rights group with the following message:
“I have Asperger's Sydrome and Rheumatoid Arthritis. I have worked the same job for 10 years and new management is taking away the things that allow me to be productive and not excessively stressed. For example, I have always had my own office with a door I can close. The combination of that and foam earplugs allow me to block out noise. The closed door also blocks distractions from my field of vision. My office is being taken away and the compromises offered have not been given. I was offered a headset that was to block out sound, but one that blocks out none was purchased. I have repeatedly expressed my need to stay where I am and am told that I have no choice in the matter. As part of the "transistion" my manager has insisted I start leaving my office door open, which led to a meltdown due to the endless noise. The only things they have followed through with is to get me a chair that is more supportive and to put in a handicap parking sign. Human Resources at my company is supporting the manager.
My manager has also made jokes about Asperger's Syndrome, including pretending to lunge at me because of my personal space issues and to laugh at my sensitivity to light. He has also told me more than once regarding the stress that the noise and chaos of being out of my office causes me that I will "get used to it." I attempted to explain that Autism isn't something you can get used to, but he does not listen. I have never had to worry about seeking advocacy or requesting accommodations before, as every previous manager has worked with me.”
The headset I was promised is not at all what I was told to expect. It only covers one ear and, even wearing a foam earplug in the uncovered ear, blocks out NO noise. I was told to keep my office door open starting this past Monday and it was excruciating. I had a massive meltdown by 1:00 PM the first day. What’s even worse is that the loudest of our employees is on vacation this week. I don’t know what I’ll do when he gets back. I absolutely cannot work like this. It’s not like I’m even asking for new accommodations. I’m simply asking them not to take away the ones I’ve had for ten years!
“I have Asperger's Sydrome and Rheumatoid Arthritis. I have worked the same job for 10 years and new management is taking away the things that allow me to be productive and not excessively stressed. For example, I have always had my own office with a door I can close. The combination of that and foam earplugs allow me to block out noise. The closed door also blocks distractions from my field of vision. My office is being taken away and the compromises offered have not been given. I was offered a headset that was to block out sound, but one that blocks out none was purchased. I have repeatedly expressed my need to stay where I am and am told that I have no choice in the matter. As part of the "transistion" my manager has insisted I start leaving my office door open, which led to a meltdown due to the endless noise. The only things they have followed through with is to get me a chair that is more supportive and to put in a handicap parking sign. Human Resources at my company is supporting the manager.
My manager has also made jokes about Asperger's Syndrome, including pretending to lunge at me because of my personal space issues and to laugh at my sensitivity to light. He has also told me more than once regarding the stress that the noise and chaos of being out of my office causes me that I will "get used to it." I attempted to explain that Autism isn't something you can get used to, but he does not listen. I have never had to worry about seeking advocacy or requesting accommodations before, as every previous manager has worked with me.”
The headset I was promised is not at all what I was told to expect. It only covers one ear and, even wearing a foam earplug in the uncovered ear, blocks out NO noise. I was told to keep my office door open starting this past Monday and it was excruciating. I had a massive meltdown by 1:00 PM the first day. What’s even worse is that the loudest of our employees is on vacation this week. I don’t know what I’ll do when he gets back. I absolutely cannot work like this. It’s not like I’m even asking for new accommodations. I’m simply asking them not to take away the ones I’ve had for ten years!
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
Having the “Wrong” Reactions (And an Update on the Work Mess)
I once made someone very angry because I asked for their reasoning behind an opinion that I disagreed with. I wasn’t trying to be disrespectful or argumentative. I wasn’t trying to change their opinion to match mine. I was simply curious. I wanted to understand why their opinion was different from mine. It never occurred to me that I shouldn’t ask because it might be interpreted as rude or confrontational. I just wanted to know.
I also tend to joke around when I’m uncomfortable, but because I have that special brand of quirky Aspie humor, it often makes me seem insensitive or just plain weird. As I’ve become more aware of this, I’ve become more likely to clam up for fear of saying the wrong thing. The more I realize how different I am, the more withdrawn I become.
The desire not to make social mistakes weighs heavy on me, now that I know how many of them I make and how often. It adds to the social anxiety I already felt and makes me nervous about interacting with people I’ve known for years. I’m endlessly afraid of accidentally offending people. I wish I didn’t care, but I do.
On top of all of that, I’m constantly faced with people who have such a twisted understanding of people like me that I feel like I’m banging my head against the wall. The situation at work is the perfect example. This week, we’re starting the “transition” to the move out of my office. I’ve been told to keep my door open. This is so very difficult for me. People are constantly walking by and the noise is so distracting. A binaural phone headset was supposed to be the compromise on the noise levels, but when it arrived, it was not at all what we discussed.
http://www.hellodirect.com/hellodirect/Shop?DSP=30200&PCR=1:1:5:15:150:1040&IID=13478&imagesequence=
This is what arrived on Friday. You can see it only covers one ear, rather than the two I was expecting. Now I have my door open, a headset covering one ear and an earplug in the other and I am a wreck. I was having muscle spasms from the tension by 8:00 AM and a headache by 9:30 AM. All I want is to close my door and get some work done, but it is not happening. I can’t help but fear being fired when management is creating a situation that makes it impossible for me to be productive.
I also tend to joke around when I’m uncomfortable, but because I have that special brand of quirky Aspie humor, it often makes me seem insensitive or just plain weird. As I’ve become more aware of this, I’ve become more likely to clam up for fear of saying the wrong thing. The more I realize how different I am, the more withdrawn I become.
The desire not to make social mistakes weighs heavy on me, now that I know how many of them I make and how often. It adds to the social anxiety I already felt and makes me nervous about interacting with people I’ve known for years. I’m endlessly afraid of accidentally offending people. I wish I didn’t care, but I do.
On top of all of that, I’m constantly faced with people who have such a twisted understanding of people like me that I feel like I’m banging my head against the wall. The situation at work is the perfect example. This week, we’re starting the “transition” to the move out of my office. I’ve been told to keep my door open. This is so very difficult for me. People are constantly walking by and the noise is so distracting. A binaural phone headset was supposed to be the compromise on the noise levels, but when it arrived, it was not at all what we discussed.
http://www.hellodirect.com/hellodirect/Shop?DSP=30200&PCR=1:1:5:15:150:1040&IID=13478&imagesequence=
This is what arrived on Friday. You can see it only covers one ear, rather than the two I was expecting. Now I have my door open, a headset covering one ear and an earplug in the other and I am a wreck. I was having muscle spasms from the tension by 8:00 AM and a headache by 9:30 AM. All I want is to close my door and get some work done, but it is not happening. I can’t help but fear being fired when management is creating a situation that makes it impossible for me to be productive.
Monday, December 19, 2011
The Great Puzzle
I was stuck in traffic behind a car with an Autism ribbon the other day and it got me to thinking about the use of multi-colored puzzle pieces as the symbol for Autism. I get that Autism is puzzling in terms of what causes it and why Autism is so different in each Autistic person, but I resent feeling like there are people who think that I am a puzzle that needs to be solved, as if I’m somehow broken or incomplete.
The more I stared at the ribbon, the more I thought about it. With everything that has been going on with work, the idea of there being something “wrong” with me is all it takes to set me off on a rant about how good I am at my job. I have rocked my AR job for years, not in spite of being an Aspie, but because of it. Hyperfocus, repetition, and the ability to look at things differently…those are my strengths and I have them because I am Autistic.
I’ve not had to give a great deal of thought to my needs at work in relation to having Asperger’s Syndrome. Having my own office, where I can wear earplugs and not answer the phone has provided all the “special accommodation” I need. Unfortunately, my new boss is trying to take all that away from me, despite my attempts at explaining the importance of staying put.
So now I come back to the puzzle symbol. And it hits me.
I am not a puzzle, but how I live my life is. Imagine if every human response to social situations and various stimuli were color coded. A love of loud, busy settings is “Red”. Preferring to stay in and have a quiet evening is “Blue.” Taking charge and/or being aggressive are “Green”. Nurturing others is “Pink”, and so on. Everyone gets to pick and choose which colors with which to piece together their own worlds.
Most neurotypical people would choose only one or two colors. Many Autistic people would do the same. For me, it’s not so simple. In one instance, “Green” may be the way to go. In another, I’ll choose “Blue” or “Pink”. Because I cope with different situations and stimuli in so many ways, my life is a beautiful mosaic, alive with color.
Autism “Spectrum”, indeed.
The more I stared at the ribbon, the more I thought about it. With everything that has been going on with work, the idea of there being something “wrong” with me is all it takes to set me off on a rant about how good I am at my job. I have rocked my AR job for years, not in spite of being an Aspie, but because of it. Hyperfocus, repetition, and the ability to look at things differently…those are my strengths and I have them because I am Autistic.
I’ve not had to give a great deal of thought to my needs at work in relation to having Asperger’s Syndrome. Having my own office, where I can wear earplugs and not answer the phone has provided all the “special accommodation” I need. Unfortunately, my new boss is trying to take all that away from me, despite my attempts at explaining the importance of staying put.
So now I come back to the puzzle symbol. And it hits me.
I am not a puzzle, but how I live my life is. Imagine if every human response to social situations and various stimuli were color coded. A love of loud, busy settings is “Red”. Preferring to stay in and have a quiet evening is “Blue.” Taking charge and/or being aggressive are “Green”. Nurturing others is “Pink”, and so on. Everyone gets to pick and choose which colors with which to piece together their own worlds.
Most neurotypical people would choose only one or two colors. Many Autistic people would do the same. For me, it’s not so simple. In one instance, “Green” may be the way to go. In another, I’ll choose “Blue” or “Pink”. Because I cope with different situations and stimuli in so many ways, my life is a beautiful mosaic, alive with color.
Autism “Spectrum”, indeed.
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
Breaking in the New Boss (Part 2)
I’m so glad I have therapy again this week. Two weeks ago, I talked to Dr. L and explained what had happened with my new manager. She said I was right to let the first instance go and to give him a month before worrying about the micromanaging because that was probably just his way of learning the ropes. I said I would.
Then today he wanted to meet with me about what I do. I went in with an open mind and a desire to be accommodating as possible. Regardless of my first impression, he’s my boss and life will be easier if we get along.
First he scolded me for not answering the phones enough, though I was told before (by previous managers) that I shouldn’t have to answer them because it isn’t my job. I still help with them, but I don’t answer every call.
Next we went over the list I had made, a loose summary of my day to day job. I am busy all day nearly every day. There are times of the year when business is slow for other people I work with, but not for me. I’m busy year round. I even work from home, off the clock if I have to. Yet there he was, smug as can be, telling me “it’s not 40 hours worth of work.” He’s going to give me more to do.
Then came the final straw. He may be taking away my office and putting me out on the floor with everyone else. The noisy, chaotic floor that makes my head spin and my heart race. Where I can’t focus enough to carry on a conversation, let alone be productive.
I tried to explain why this won’t work. (You’d think that the fact that I had to get up and close his office door just so I could understand what he was saying to me would have been an adequate demonstration) He said “the company is committed to following ADA guidelines” and then added “if we can.” Then he launched into how he used to work in a really chaotic environment and he learned to just push through it. I said “Yeah, it’s great that normal people can do that. I’m not wired that way.” I know “normal” is the wrong word, but I was too upset to express myself properly.
Anyway, he also gave me a hard time about not being social enough with my co-workers….after I started crying (yes, crying…I’m so embarrassed) about not being able to function the way other people do in an environment that overloads my senses. I’m going to ask Dr. L to write a letter, but I’m so scared right now. I don’t want to lose my job because I’m forced into a situation where I can’t function.
Then today he wanted to meet with me about what I do. I went in with an open mind and a desire to be accommodating as possible. Regardless of my first impression, he’s my boss and life will be easier if we get along.
First he scolded me for not answering the phones enough, though I was told before (by previous managers) that I shouldn’t have to answer them because it isn’t my job. I still help with them, but I don’t answer every call.
Next we went over the list I had made, a loose summary of my day to day job. I am busy all day nearly every day. There are times of the year when business is slow for other people I work with, but not for me. I’m busy year round. I even work from home, off the clock if I have to. Yet there he was, smug as can be, telling me “it’s not 40 hours worth of work.” He’s going to give me more to do.
Then came the final straw. He may be taking away my office and putting me out on the floor with everyone else. The noisy, chaotic floor that makes my head spin and my heart race. Where I can’t focus enough to carry on a conversation, let alone be productive.
I tried to explain why this won’t work. (You’d think that the fact that I had to get up and close his office door just so I could understand what he was saying to me would have been an adequate demonstration) He said “the company is committed to following ADA guidelines” and then added “if we can.” Then he launched into how he used to work in a really chaotic environment and he learned to just push through it. I said “Yeah, it’s great that normal people can do that. I’m not wired that way.” I know “normal” is the wrong word, but I was too upset to express myself properly.
Anyway, he also gave me a hard time about not being social enough with my co-workers….after I started crying (yes, crying…I’m so embarrassed) about not being able to function the way other people do in an environment that overloads my senses. I’m going to ask Dr. L to write a letter, but I’m so scared right now. I don’t want to lose my job because I’m forced into a situation where I can’t function.
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
Breaking in the New Boss
My new manager finally arrived on Monday and I’m not a happy panda. I’m not always great at reading people, but my first impressions are usually spot on. My first impression of the new guy? Fake, creepy and desperate to climb the corporate ladder. It only gets worse from there.
When he came in to learn what exactly I do here, I decided to give him the basic “here’s what’s weird about me” speech so he’d know that I’m not your typical social-joiner, ass-kissing corporate drone. I explained my RA and how it means I have to go to the doctor a lot. I told him about my standing Thursday afternoon therapy appointment. Then I hit him with the Asperger’s bomb.
Most people fall into four categories. Either they have no idea what Asperger’s is so they just change the subject, they have no idea what it is and politely ask for a definition, they have an idea of what it is, but it makes them uncomfortable so they change the subject or they get it and are totally cool about it. New guy gets his own brand new category. I’ll call it “Knows enough about Asperger’s to know what buttons NOT to push and pushes them immediately because he thinks he’s funny, thereby making me super uncomfortable.”
This genius literally said, “Oh, so I guess I shouldn’t get too close then?” and made a move like he was going to lunge at me. Naturally, I backed away (I don’t like strangers in my personal space…hell, I barely like having people I know in my personal space) so he did it AGAIN. I was floored. I know, in retrospect, that I should have told him that was unacceptable and qualified as harassment. At the same time, who wants to accuse their brand new boss of harassment on his first day? I spent the next hour trying to get work done while rocking in my chair.
I’ve had bosses I didn’t like before. This is a whole new level of ick, though. Guh. I have a therapy appointment tomorrow. Hopefully she can give me some guidance. This is a first for me.
When he came in to learn what exactly I do here, I decided to give him the basic “here’s what’s weird about me” speech so he’d know that I’m not your typical social-joiner, ass-kissing corporate drone. I explained my RA and how it means I have to go to the doctor a lot. I told him about my standing Thursday afternoon therapy appointment. Then I hit him with the Asperger’s bomb.
Most people fall into four categories. Either they have no idea what Asperger’s is so they just change the subject, they have no idea what it is and politely ask for a definition, they have an idea of what it is, but it makes them uncomfortable so they change the subject or they get it and are totally cool about it. New guy gets his own brand new category. I’ll call it “Knows enough about Asperger’s to know what buttons NOT to push and pushes them immediately because he thinks he’s funny, thereby making me super uncomfortable.”
This genius literally said, “Oh, so I guess I shouldn’t get too close then?” and made a move like he was going to lunge at me. Naturally, I backed away (I don’t like strangers in my personal space…hell, I barely like having people I know in my personal space) so he did it AGAIN. I was floored. I know, in retrospect, that I should have told him that was unacceptable and qualified as harassment. At the same time, who wants to accuse their brand new boss of harassment on his first day? I spent the next hour trying to get work done while rocking in my chair.
I’ve had bosses I didn’t like before. This is a whole new level of ick, though. Guh. I have a therapy appointment tomorrow. Hopefully she can give me some guidance. This is a first for me.
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