Welp, it's been over two years since my last post and I don't even know where to begin explaining all that's happened in that time. I think I'll break it into a few parts so you're not reading a two year saga all at once. I'm considerate like that.
When I last checked in, I was trying to get my asinine boss to recognize my right to reasonable accommodation. I was an absolute wreck, eventually finding myself on anti-anxiety meds and seeing a new shrink to deal with the chaos. It was in his office that I first heard the word bipolar...in reference to myself, anyway. I didn't want to hear it. I had too many things to worry about without dealing with a new diagnosis.
In May of 2012, I began having trouble breathing and landed in the hospital with a pulmonary embolism. I missed a non-mandatory meeting while in the emergency room and my aforementioned asinine boss was PISSED. Did I mention the meeting was not mandatory? Ah, well...that was the beginning of the end.
Generally, when one has a pulmonary embolism, that person takes three months off work to recover. I took three weeks and you'd have thought I had told my boss to go eff himself while I took a fun vacation. Nevertheless, I worked my ass off when I got back to work, just like always. About a month after returning to work, I was called into the conference room with my boss, his boss and an representative from Human Resources. The a-hole had finally found a way to legally get rid of me.
I suppose I could have tried to sue, but Florida is a "right to work" state and winning would have been nearly impossible. I accepted my severance and packed up my things. I said goodbye to people I had worked with for eleven years, while a man who treated me worse than any employer I've ever had got to feel like he won. I, on the other hand, felt like a loser.
Well, that covers the first have of 2012. I'll write up the second half soon.
Showing posts with label depression. Show all posts
Showing posts with label depression. Show all posts
Thursday, February 13, 2014
Saturday, December 31, 2011
Aspie New Year 2012
January: I started the new year with one of my little Chickens (CT) at Sea World. It was my first big post diagnosis outing and quite a success. I learned a lot from it (like where the restaurant we always visit is) and I think CT did, too. Throughout the last year, she’s been like my shield. If we go somewhere crowded, she guides me through where she can and helps me escape it when it gets to be too much.
February: After about six weeks of one epic realization after another, I hit a bit of a wall. The awareness of just how affected I was by external stimuli had set in and I was in a near constant state of sensory overload. Why, at the age of 34, was I getting worse? Because I was burned out. Read this wonderful piece from Rachel Cohen-Rottenberg for a stellar description of what Autistic burnout is like.
http://www.journeyswithautism.com/2009/06/29/why-i-cant-do-what-i-used-to-do/
March: The great earplug experiment began and changed my life. There are few things I enjoy more than the moment when my foam earplugs fully expand and block out so much of the noise that sets me on edge.
April: It seemed like therapy was finally getting me some results. I learned new techniques for coping and my anxiety was enormously reduced. I also made up my mind to get off my fat ass and start getting some serious exercise.
May: I got to play with dolphins on CT’s birthday. Yes, they are the assholes of the animal kingdom, but they’re so entertaining.
June: My morning walks were regular and exciting. I was proud of myself for sticking with something as challenging for me as walking every day.
July: POTTER!!! Yes, I’m a nerd. So what? My friends and I put on silly costumes and attended the midnight show of the final Harry Potter movie. As luck would have it, since we went to the Universal Citywalk theater, we also got to spend from 3 AM to 5 AM in The Wizarding World of Harry Potter. It was crowded, it was chaotic and it was exhausting. I spent most of it sitting outside the owlery and people watching so I could stay out of the crowds. Unfortunately, I also got violently ill on the way home.
August: I had been feeling run down after the Potter experience and had stopped my morning walks. Then came the pain. My Rheumatoid Arthritis flared up after two years of being held at bay with vitamins. Back on all my many medications I went.
September: And then I was 35. I refuse to say more on the subject.
October: It was an eventful month. Steve Jobs died, I got some much needed closure, Ninja was faced with school bullies and I went to a wedding. On purpose. And I enjoyed myself! Yay me! Bigger yay for the Chicks for helping me through it and the happy couple who made sure we were at a table of awesome people.
November: On the roller coaster that this year has been, November was a Double Down Drop. (See http://themeparks.about.com/cs/coasterbooks/a/coasterspeak.htm for a definition.) First I met my new boss and he made a joke about my AS that made me very uncomfortable. Then he told me he was taking my office away. This was devastating news.
December: The fight for my ADA rights continues and I will have a letter for my boss next week. Christmas was rough because of the stress and anxiety at work. All I wanted was to stay home and sleep. I haven’t been this depressed in a very long time.
2012?
Well, who the hell knows? I want to have a kick ass year. I want to be at this point next year (provided the Mayans were wrong) raving about how EPIC 2012 was and how great my life is. Going into 2011, my theme song was Uncharted by Sara Bareilles, mainly because of the line “Each day I’m counting up the minutes ‘til I get alone, cause I can’t stay in the middle of it all.” For 2012, I’ve chosen The Good Life by Weezer. Aside from being from a male point-of-view, it sums up what I’ve been through and what I want for the new year very well.
Life is short, kids. We only get so much time, so why waste it being miserable? 2012 is my year to find my happy and fucking OWN it. You get out there and own yours, too.
February: After about six weeks of one epic realization after another, I hit a bit of a wall. The awareness of just how affected I was by external stimuli had set in and I was in a near constant state of sensory overload. Why, at the age of 34, was I getting worse? Because I was burned out. Read this wonderful piece from Rachel Cohen-Rottenberg for a stellar description of what Autistic burnout is like.
http://www.journeyswithautism.com/2009/06/29/why-i-cant-do-what-i-used-to-do/
March: The great earplug experiment began and changed my life. There are few things I enjoy more than the moment when my foam earplugs fully expand and block out so much of the noise that sets me on edge.
April: It seemed like therapy was finally getting me some results. I learned new techniques for coping and my anxiety was enormously reduced. I also made up my mind to get off my fat ass and start getting some serious exercise.
May: I got to play with dolphins on CT’s birthday. Yes, they are the assholes of the animal kingdom, but they’re so entertaining.
June: My morning walks were regular and exciting. I was proud of myself for sticking with something as challenging for me as walking every day.
July: POTTER!!! Yes, I’m a nerd. So what? My friends and I put on silly costumes and attended the midnight show of the final Harry Potter movie. As luck would have it, since we went to the Universal Citywalk theater, we also got to spend from 3 AM to 5 AM in The Wizarding World of Harry Potter. It was crowded, it was chaotic and it was exhausting. I spent most of it sitting outside the owlery and people watching so I could stay out of the crowds. Unfortunately, I also got violently ill on the way home.
August: I had been feeling run down after the Potter experience and had stopped my morning walks. Then came the pain. My Rheumatoid Arthritis flared up after two years of being held at bay with vitamins. Back on all my many medications I went.
September: And then I was 35. I refuse to say more on the subject.
October: It was an eventful month. Steve Jobs died, I got some much needed closure, Ninja was faced with school bullies and I went to a wedding. On purpose. And I enjoyed myself! Yay me! Bigger yay for the Chicks for helping me through it and the happy couple who made sure we were at a table of awesome people.
November: On the roller coaster that this year has been, November was a Double Down Drop. (See http://themeparks.about.com/cs/coasterbooks/a/coasterspeak.htm for a definition.) First I met my new boss and he made a joke about my AS that made me very uncomfortable. Then he told me he was taking my office away. This was devastating news.
December: The fight for my ADA rights continues and I will have a letter for my boss next week. Christmas was rough because of the stress and anxiety at work. All I wanted was to stay home and sleep. I haven’t been this depressed in a very long time.
2012?
Well, who the hell knows? I want to have a kick ass year. I want to be at this point next year (provided the Mayans were wrong) raving about how EPIC 2012 was and how great my life is. Going into 2011, my theme song was Uncharted by Sara Bareilles, mainly because of the line “Each day I’m counting up the minutes ‘til I get alone, cause I can’t stay in the middle of it all.” For 2012, I’ve chosen The Good Life by Weezer. Aside from being from a male point-of-view, it sums up what I’ve been through and what I want for the new year very well.
When I look in the mirror, I can't believe what I see
Tell me, who's that funky dude, staring back at me?
Broken, beaten down can't even get around
Without an old-man cane, I fall and hit the ground
Shivering in the cold, I'm bitter and alone
Excuse the bitchin, I shouldn't complain
I should have no feeling, 'cause feeling is pain
As everything I need, is denied me
And everything I want, is taken away from me
But who do I got to blame? Nobody but me
…And I don't wanna be an old man anymore
It's been a year or two since I was out on the floor
Shakin' booty, makin' sweet love all the night
It's time I got back to the Good Life
It's time I got back, it's time I got back
And I don't even know how I got off the track
I wanna go back…Yeah!
Life is short, kids. We only get so much time, so why waste it being miserable? 2012 is my year to find my happy and fucking OWN it. You get out there and own yours, too.
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
Welcome to Depressionland!
America’s newest theme park is open for business! Enjoy such classic carnival rides as: The Mood Swings, The Emotional Roller Coaster, The Self-Pity-Go-Round and the Tilt-A-Weep. While you’re here, visit the House of Neuroses, The Anxiety Slide and even play Whack-A-Phobia. Our delicious, carnival-style foods feature Corn Dogs, Funnel Cakes and Deep Fried Prozac. We’re open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. Check out these rave reviews!
“Depressionland is like Disney World for my shriveled, black soul.” – Sylvia Plath
“Visit another theme park? Nevermore!” – Edgar Allan Poe
“Better than an opium and laudanum cocktail.” – Charles Baudelaire
Yes, I know depression is serious. That’s why I’m making jokes about it. That’s what I do when I’m dealing with something shitty. I’d love to just shrug it off and say “it could be worse” (because it could) and move on. I’m not wired that way. Depression isn’t some sweater you can take off when it gets too heavy. It’s just there. It weighs you down and makes you feel like you’ll never escape it.
J.K. Rowling created the best metaphor for depression I have ever encountered – Dementors. If you’re not familiar with the Harry Potter series and its characters, here’s a quote from Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban.
"Dementors are among the foulest creatures that walk this earth. They infest the darkest, filthiest places, they glory in decay and despair, they drain peace, hope, and happiness out of the air around them... Get too near a Dementor and every good feeling, every happy memory will be sucked out of you. If it can, the Dementor will feed on you long enough to reduce you to something like itself...soulless and evil. You will be left with nothing but the worst experiences of your life."
That’s where I am now…in the presence of Dementors. Unfortunately for me, there’s no such thing as a Patronus charm, so for now, I’m stuck. If anyone needs me, I’ll be on the Self-Pity-Go-Round.
“Depressionland is like Disney World for my shriveled, black soul.” – Sylvia Plath
“Visit another theme park? Nevermore!” – Edgar Allan Poe
“Better than an opium and laudanum cocktail.” – Charles Baudelaire
Yes, I know depression is serious. That’s why I’m making jokes about it. That’s what I do when I’m dealing with something shitty. I’d love to just shrug it off and say “it could be worse” (because it could) and move on. I’m not wired that way. Depression isn’t some sweater you can take off when it gets too heavy. It’s just there. It weighs you down and makes you feel like you’ll never escape it.
J.K. Rowling created the best metaphor for depression I have ever encountered – Dementors. If you’re not familiar with the Harry Potter series and its characters, here’s a quote from Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban.
"Dementors are among the foulest creatures that walk this earth. They infest the darkest, filthiest places, they glory in decay and despair, they drain peace, hope, and happiness out of the air around them... Get too near a Dementor and every good feeling, every happy memory will be sucked out of you. If it can, the Dementor will feed on you long enough to reduce you to something like itself...soulless and evil. You will be left with nothing but the worst experiences of your life."
That’s where I am now…in the presence of Dementors. Unfortunately for me, there’s no such thing as a Patronus charm, so for now, I’m stuck. If anyone needs me, I’ll be on the Self-Pity-Go-Round.
Saturday, December 24, 2011
Letter to Santa
Dear Santa (Because it worked for Amy Pond),
It’s Christmas tomorrow and I’m miserable. This has been one of the worst weeks I’ve ever had at work and I’m miserable. I don’t want presents from you. I just things to go back to the way they were. I want to go back to not hating my job and being able to go home and feel like I’m a person, rather than a collection of illnesses and exhaustion.
Life is short and mine will likely be even shorter. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life feeling like I belong on The Island of Misfit Toys like the train with square wheels – completely unequipped to function in the world.
Santa, I’m not asking for a hot boyfriend or to magically lose weight or to win the lottery or even for my RA to go into remission. All I’m asking is for you to make things suck less. Not even, “I want to be happy.”…just, “I want to be less miserable.” I don’t think that’s asking a lot. And don’t tell me this is supposed to build character. I have more than enough of that, thanks.
I have had two previous Christmases where I was this low. One involved work and the other involved depression. This time it’s both. I’m going to hang my stocking and hope you put a solution in it. Don’t be a dick, Santa. I’m counting on you.
It’s Christmas tomorrow and I’m miserable. This has been one of the worst weeks I’ve ever had at work and I’m miserable. I don’t want presents from you. I just things to go back to the way they were. I want to go back to not hating my job and being able to go home and feel like I’m a person, rather than a collection of illnesses and exhaustion.
Life is short and mine will likely be even shorter. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life feeling like I belong on The Island of Misfit Toys like the train with square wheels – completely unequipped to function in the world.
Santa, I’m not asking for a hot boyfriend or to magically lose weight or to win the lottery or even for my RA to go into remission. All I’m asking is for you to make things suck less. Not even, “I want to be happy.”…just, “I want to be less miserable.” I don’t think that’s asking a lot. And don’t tell me this is supposed to build character. I have more than enough of that, thanks.
I have had two previous Christmases where I was this low. One involved work and the other involved depression. This time it’s both. I’m going to hang my stocking and hope you put a solution in it. Don’t be a dick, Santa. I’m counting on you.
Friday, December 23, 2011
Time For a Rant
I realize this is getting repetitive and is probably boring the fuck out of you, but I’m going through some shit and I have no idea how else to cope. Disability Rights Florida responded to my query with several other places to contact for help. Hopefully one of them will pan out, because I can’t take much more of this. I’m literally pulling my hair out.
All I want is for things to go back to how they were. With the HP rep on my manager’s side, I feel so powerless. It’s like they don’t believe AS is a legit disability and nothing anyone says will change their minds. I had a nightmare that I got fired because I had a meltdown caused by the conditions in which I’m being forced to work. The last time I felt this miserable and hopeless was two years ago, right before I started therapy.
Christmas is just a few days away and I just want it to pass me by. Christmas music makes me sad and all the gaudy decorations in shopping centers seem too bright and busy. I just want the season to be over. Apologies for being such a downer…I’m just feeling very angry and depressed and stuck.
All I want is for things to go back to how they were. With the HP rep on my manager’s side, I feel so powerless. It’s like they don’t believe AS is a legit disability and nothing anyone says will change their minds. I had a nightmare that I got fired because I had a meltdown caused by the conditions in which I’m being forced to work. The last time I felt this miserable and hopeless was two years ago, right before I started therapy.
Christmas is just a few days away and I just want it to pass me by. Christmas music makes me sad and all the gaudy decorations in shopping centers seem too bright and busy. I just want the season to be over. Apologies for being such a downer…I’m just feeling very angry and depressed and stuck.
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