Aspie New Year 2012

January: I started the new year with one of my little Chickens (CT) at Sea World. It was my first big post diagnosis outing and quite a success. I learned a lot from it (like where the restaurant we always visit is) and I think CT did, too. Throughout the last year, she’s been like my shield. If we go somewhere crowded, she guides me through where she can and helps me escape it when it gets to be too much.


February: After about six weeks of one epic realization after another, I hit a bit of a wall. The awareness of just how affected I was by external stimuli had set in and I was in a near constant state of sensory overload. Why, at the age of 34, was I getting worse? Because I was burned out. Read this wonderful piece from Rachel Cohen-Rottenberg for a stellar description of what Autistic burnout is like.

http://www.journeyswithautism.com/2009/06/29/why-i-cant-do-what-i-used-to-do/

March: The great earplug experiment began and changed my life. There are few things I enjoy more than the moment when my foam earplugs fully expand and block out so much of the noise that sets me on edge.

April: It seemed like therapy was finally getting me some results. I learned new techniques for coping and my anxiety was enormously reduced. I also made up my mind to get off my fat ass and start getting some serious exercise.

May: I got to play with dolphins on CT’s birthday. Yes, they are the assholes of the animal kingdom, but they’re so entertaining.

June: My morning walks were regular and exciting. I was proud of myself for sticking with something as challenging for me as walking every day.

July: POTTER!!! Yes, I’m a nerd. So what? My friends and I put on silly costumes and attended the midnight show of the final Harry Potter movie. As luck would have it, since we went to the Universal Citywalk theater, we also got to spend from 3 AM to 5 AM in The Wizarding World of Harry Potter. It was crowded, it was chaotic and it was exhausting. I spent most of it sitting outside the owlery and people watching so I could stay out of the crowds. Unfortunately, I also got violently ill on the way home.

August: I had been feeling run down after the Potter experience and had stopped my morning walks. Then came the pain. My Rheumatoid Arthritis flared up after two years of being held at bay with vitamins. Back on all my many medications I went.

September: And then I was 35. I refuse to say more on the subject.

October: It was an eventful month. Steve Jobs died, I got some much needed closure, Ninja was faced with school bullies and I went to a wedding. On purpose. And I enjoyed myself! Yay me! Bigger yay for the Chicks for helping me through it and the happy couple who made sure we were at a table of awesome people.

November: On the roller coaster that this year has been, November was a Double Down Drop. (See http://themeparks.about.com/cs/coasterbooks/a/coasterspeak.htm for a definition.) First I met my new boss and he made a joke about my AS that made me very uncomfortable. Then he told me he was taking my office away. This was devastating news.

December: The fight for my ADA rights continues and I will have a letter for my boss next week. Christmas was rough because of the stress and anxiety at work. All I wanted was to stay home and sleep. I haven’t been this depressed in a very long time.

2012?

Well, who the hell knows? I want to have a kick ass year. I want to be at this point next year (provided the Mayans were wrong) raving about how EPIC 2012 was and how great my life is. Going into 2011, my theme song was Uncharted by Sara Bareilles, mainly because of the line “Each day I’m counting up the minutes ‘til I get alone, cause I can’t stay in the middle of it all.” For 2012, I’ve chosen The Good Life by Weezer. Aside from being from a male point-of-view, it sums up what I’ve been through and what I want for the new year very well.

When I look in the mirror, I can't believe what I see

Tell me, who's that funky dude, staring back at me?

Broken, beaten down can't even get around

Without an old-man cane, I fall and hit the ground

Shivering in the cold, I'm bitter and alone

Excuse the bitchin, I shouldn't complain

I should have no feeling, 'cause feeling is pain

As everything I need, is denied me

And everything I want, is taken away from me

But who do I got to blame? Nobody but me

…And I don't wanna be an old man anymore

It's been a year or two since I was out on the floor

Shakin' booty, makin' sweet love all the night

It's time I got back to the Good Life

It's time I got back, it's time I got back

And I don't even know how I got off the track

I wanna go back…Yeah!

Life is short, kids. We only get so much time, so why waste it being miserable? 2012 is my year to find my happy and fucking OWN it. You get out there and own yours, too.

New People (EEK!) Part 2 and an Anniversary of Loss

I stressed all week about being faced with new people.  I knew, being the driver, that I wouldn't be able to even have a drink or two to loosen up.  When the ceremony ended, I think I looked pretty calm on the outside, but that's when the panic really set in.  I think my exact thoughts were, "Shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit..."  Turned out that I didn't need to freak out at all.

The wedding was perfect.  My friends looked more in love than I have ever seen them look.  My table at the reception was the Chicks, one acquaintance (a sweetheart I had only met once or twice), her husband and son and two women I hadn't met before.  The Chicks sat on either side of me as a buffer, but it turned out it wasn't needed.  We were all friends by the end of the night, even piling (all 6 of us women) into the photo booth at one point, with an open umbrella.  I've never felt more at ease and I know I owe it to my girls' sensitivity to my issues and the bride and groom's desire to put us at a table where we would be comfortable -- table 4 was the PLACE TO BE.  I can't remember the last time I enjoyed a party at all, let alone as much as I did last night.  Congrats again to Cap'n Emo and Private Crumb on starting a new life together!

On the other end of the life event spectrum, today is the 1st anniversary of the day my sweet friend Chris lost her battle with cancer.  She was like no one I've ever known and I can't help but wonder if she wasn't an undiagnosed Aspie, herself.  Regardless, she was someone that everyone loved, even if they didn't like her.  A year out, and her Facebook page is STILL more active than mine.  Just because she's not physically here, doesn't mean she stops being our friend.  I'm grateful to have known her and, now that I'm older, I wish I could be more like her.

New People (EEK!)

I do not adapt well. I know this. I hate change. Unfortunately, this makes my job an endless source of stress for me. In the ten years that I have worked here, the manager has changed SEVEN times. Three of those changes have happened in 2011. Three times in ten months, I’ve had to explain what Asperger’s is and why I have to have my office door closed and my iPod on to get things done. I’ve had to get used to a new person’s voice and habits. I’ve had to get them used to my therapy schedule. Having an RA flare-up, I’ve also had to explain that, while also dealing with the changes in my routine that come with a flare-up.

For my NT friends and family, meeting new people is normal, even exciting sometimes. For me, it’s terrifying. The desire to fit in and do the “right” things is overwhelming, as is the fear that everyone is looking at me and judging. The idea of embracing who I am and not trying to conform to what I think people expect is still new to me. One day, maybe I’ll be comfortable. For now, encountering new people is traumatic for me.

There’s also the issue of social situations. I avoid them at all costs unless I’m going to know 90% of the people there and I know it won’t be too chaotic. This Saturday, two of my friends are getting married (Yay! Congrats to Captain Emo and Private Crumb!) which means getting dressed up, driving to an unfamiliar place and being surrounded by strangers. Normally not my scene, but I’ll make an exception for such a special occasion. I’m going to talk to my therapist tomorrow to see what kind of tips she can offer for getting through the reception without stressing myself out.

Back to the topic of embracing who I am or, as I call it, embracing my weirdness. I think I need to make more of an effort to just be myself…or rather, less effort being someone I’m not. I’m unusual. That’s not a bad thing. All right, enough navel gazing for now. I’ve got Letters To Cleo playing on my iPod, a stack of work orders to process and toilets (yes, toilets) to order. Oh, the glamour.